Day 18:
Noon
I have been feeling better, happier, odd as it feels to feel happy. I have been feeling it. But I realize when I look at the state of my day to day. I sleep... too much. I have little to nothing of the drive I once had. then, I sleep more. while my mindset has undoubtedly gotten brighter...it seems something is still wrong... something simple.
something not based of fear, or worry. doubt or dread... just the simple point that my life is going on, without you in it. and a piece of me still has not learned to function under the circumstances.
As much as that may be the case, Life is still moving. passing by me like a cold wind, my opportunities souring and losing their potential. regardless of how I feel. Nothing changes the all too simple fact that I have to get it together.
The way I have been living... this half effort broken attempt at living...
Has to stop.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day Thirteen:
Night:
Something simple, yet incredibly complex has occurred.
coming to the conclusion that not only do I have to do what God wants for my life, to reach my full potential and simply because I wish to... also, coming to the conclusion that I have HOPE for my love, and hence don't worry about it as much these days... im left with the crushing weight of the reality that I REALLY need to sort out my life.
Night:
Something simple, yet incredibly complex has occurred.
coming to the conclusion that not only do I have to do what God wants for my life, to reach my full potential and simply because I wish to... also, coming to the conclusion that I have HOPE for my love, and hence don't worry about it as much these days... im left with the crushing weight of the reality that I REALLY need to sort out my life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day Ten:
Morning:
Take a moment. A long one. In this moment really consider your life. Consider the actions of God, (that you can see, of course there are MANY you can not) The actions of God are paralleled through all of us... In this simple idea. God is loving. Always. Consider how many times god has made an EFFORT to get to you, despite your thought, deception, unwillingness, or actions. Everyone Ive spoken with, seeking a relationship with God ( and quite a few who aren't) share this pattern of experience. God loves us DESPITE what we have done, despite who we have been. He loves us fully, completely, with such a feverish passion he will again and AGAIN chase after us.
In that, to reflect that kind of love back onto the world, is to open ones self to do the work of God.
Morning:
Take a moment. A long one. In this moment really consider your life. Consider the actions of God, (that you can see, of course there are MANY you can not) The actions of God are paralleled through all of us... In this simple idea. God is loving. Always. Consider how many times god has made an EFFORT to get to you, despite your thought, deception, unwillingness, or actions. Everyone Ive spoken with, seeking a relationship with God ( and quite a few who aren't) share this pattern of experience. God loves us DESPITE what we have done, despite who we have been. He loves us fully, completely, with such a feverish passion he will again and AGAIN chase after us.
In that, to reflect that kind of love back onto the world, is to open ones self to do the work of God.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day Eight:
Night:
I'm seeing suddenly the simplicity of it all. And when I look back, I can see a laundry list of examples of the times God was pushing this simple message into my brain.
Life is simple.
We are called to believe.
The end. in doing so, TRULY we then encompass all other factors of our lives. in that we then of course, Love everyone in the way that we are meant to, because we truly believe. Of course we work as hard as we can and thus achieve greatness, because we truly believe. Of course we are able to maintain ourselves, and make wise decisions, because we truly believe.
Everything we need to know to live grand lives for the father, has all been laid out for us right at our fingertips, and with even the teeniest bit of reaching out we can EASILY surround ourselves with people to help us on our way. Which all makes sense really seeing as that is how God works.
God works through US. When we are working to our greatest potential, when we are TRULY believing and living as such. THAT is when great things happen.
Cause when we are living out Gods purpose for us, we can do anything, as it is not merely our will.
interesting.
Night:
I'm seeing suddenly the simplicity of it all. And when I look back, I can see a laundry list of examples of the times God was pushing this simple message into my brain.
Life is simple.
We are called to believe.
The end. in doing so, TRULY we then encompass all other factors of our lives. in that we then of course, Love everyone in the way that we are meant to, because we truly believe. Of course we work as hard as we can and thus achieve greatness, because we truly believe. Of course we are able to maintain ourselves, and make wise decisions, because we truly believe.
Everything we need to know to live grand lives for the father, has all been laid out for us right at our fingertips, and with even the teeniest bit of reaching out we can EASILY surround ourselves with people to help us on our way. Which all makes sense really seeing as that is how God works.
God works through US. When we are working to our greatest potential, when we are TRULY believing and living as such. THAT is when great things happen.
Cause when we are living out Gods purpose for us, we can do anything, as it is not merely our will.
interesting.
Day Eight:
Morning:
I still find myself worried. worried that during this time, I will lose the woman I love. Worried, even though I KNOW if for whatever reason one of us moved on that would simply state something else in the plan. That thought does not help. It does not soothe the itching fear in the pit of my stomach. Tho while worry and fear lives still in me, I also have a renewed sense of hope, for both that and in general the state of my life. It is like there is a battle ramping up inside me, on one hand I fear losing you. I fear losing what we have. but on the other hand I feel liberated, free from my previous lies, and all to narrow focus, able to SEE clearly the path ahead. It is in such a way that I cannot truly feel sorrow, or anything really beyond a scratching tremor of unease about the whole thing. some of what is keeping the fear at bay is surely based on a bit of logic a friend spoke to me the night of the divide.
"If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you guys will be just fine."
In that, there is a truth that I cant really fight with. If we do love each other the way we say we do, then we will progress from here, surpass this trial and come out stronger, wiser, better. If not, we will not remain connected in the same way we were, ( for whatever reason) and life will go on, and we will go on stronger, wiser, better. It is a bit of a rationalising things way to look at it I suppose but I do take some joy in the simple fact that not all love gets such a raw chance to be tested. While not the main purpose by any means its a nice side effect to what has happened. I dunno... I worry but I am learning to hope more, worry less. Trust more fear less.
Fear, there it is.
Fear.
The main culprit for all that has happened, the muddy monster in the back of my brain that strokes nearly ALL the bad decisions ive made out of me. Living in fear. of this, of that. It has controlled me for SO LONG.
So long...
To give up living in fear and instead live in faith of a power much wiser then myself... To give up acting out of fear... Opens doors for me that until now have remained VERY tightly closed.
Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.
Simple enough...
Morning:
I still find myself worried. worried that during this time, I will lose the woman I love. Worried, even though I KNOW if for whatever reason one of us moved on that would simply state something else in the plan. That thought does not help. It does not soothe the itching fear in the pit of my stomach. Tho while worry and fear lives still in me, I also have a renewed sense of hope, for both that and in general the state of my life. It is like there is a battle ramping up inside me, on one hand I fear losing you. I fear losing what we have. but on the other hand I feel liberated, free from my previous lies, and all to narrow focus, able to SEE clearly the path ahead. It is in such a way that I cannot truly feel sorrow, or anything really beyond a scratching tremor of unease about the whole thing. some of what is keeping the fear at bay is surely based on a bit of logic a friend spoke to me the night of the divide.
"If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you guys will be just fine."
In that, there is a truth that I cant really fight with. If we do love each other the way we say we do, then we will progress from here, surpass this trial and come out stronger, wiser, better. If not, we will not remain connected in the same way we were, ( for whatever reason) and life will go on, and we will go on stronger, wiser, better. It is a bit of a rationalising things way to look at it I suppose but I do take some joy in the simple fact that not all love gets such a raw chance to be tested. While not the main purpose by any means its a nice side effect to what has happened. I dunno... I worry but I am learning to hope more, worry less. Trust more fear less.
Fear, there it is.
Fear.
The main culprit for all that has happened, the muddy monster in the back of my brain that strokes nearly ALL the bad decisions ive made out of me. Living in fear. of this, of that. It has controlled me for SO LONG.
So long...
To give up living in fear and instead live in faith of a power much wiser then myself... To give up acting out of fear... Opens doors for me that until now have remained VERY tightly closed.
Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.
Simple enough...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day Seven:
Morning:
Its been one week since we were separated, tho at this exact time that day I did not know anything like that was to happen yet, actually at THIS exact time THAT day I believe I was speaking to you on the phone... One week, has felt like an eternity, I have never cried more in my life. But things have been coming more clearly, the hopeless sadness that comes from the thought of NEVER being able to see you again has drifted, as I do not believe that to be the case. And while I miss you, every day, I am beginning to believe more and more that this is for the best. More so, I am coming to the honest realization that if we both stay strong, and work hard this can end up making us stronger then we have ever been.
Saying things, and FEELING them are two very different things, I came to this conclusion a while ago, but I am just now BEGINNING to actually feel that it is true. Still I miss your company, and simply being a part of your day to day life, I still worry from time to time of you forgetting me... or replacing me, but that is an ongoing personal battle I will continue to fight within myself.
For I KNOW I believe there is no reason to fear such things anyway.
just as I KNOW right now the thing I must focus hard on, is getting my career in line. I have noticed, looking at things from a pool of worthless self pity and meaningless piles of regret, that I am very much a bum. I am 23 with no job, no career (in action) no phone, no car, and just enough money in the bank to pay for UNDER two months of rent on my tiny apartment. these facts WILL NOT change without a hard work and determination I was not taking responsibility for. Until now.
Now, its time to look at things for what they are, honestly assess them, and FIGHT for what I want my life to be. FIGHT for who I want MYSELF to be.
In some ways its a very exciting time.
In the same exact ways its more accurately a very horrifying time.
And yet, I cant help but feel like, its going to be Okay.
I love you PePp3r. Soom.
Morning:
Its been one week since we were separated, tho at this exact time that day I did not know anything like that was to happen yet, actually at THIS exact time THAT day I believe I was speaking to you on the phone... One week, has felt like an eternity, I have never cried more in my life. But things have been coming more clearly, the hopeless sadness that comes from the thought of NEVER being able to see you again has drifted, as I do not believe that to be the case. And while I miss you, every day, I am beginning to believe more and more that this is for the best. More so, I am coming to the honest realization that if we both stay strong, and work hard this can end up making us stronger then we have ever been.
Saying things, and FEELING them are two very different things, I came to this conclusion a while ago, but I am just now BEGINNING to actually feel that it is true. Still I miss your company, and simply being a part of your day to day life, I still worry from time to time of you forgetting me... or replacing me, but that is an ongoing personal battle I will continue to fight within myself.
For I KNOW I believe there is no reason to fear such things anyway.
just as I KNOW right now the thing I must focus hard on, is getting my career in line. I have noticed, looking at things from a pool of worthless self pity and meaningless piles of regret, that I am very much a bum. I am 23 with no job, no career (in action) no phone, no car, and just enough money in the bank to pay for UNDER two months of rent on my tiny apartment. these facts WILL NOT change without a hard work and determination I was not taking responsibility for. Until now.
Now, its time to look at things for what they are, honestly assess them, and FIGHT for what I want my life to be. FIGHT for who I want MYSELF to be.
In some ways its a very exciting time.
In the same exact ways its more accurately a very horrifying time.
And yet, I cant help but feel like, its going to be Okay.
I love you PePp3r. Soom.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day Six:
Morning:
Life it seems is about making a commitment. I have always said life was based entirely on choice, and yet I've allowed myself somehow to ignore the weight of that fact. Blame the reality of my life on other things, other people, rather then look at the simple fact that literally life is what we make it.
Life, Is about making a commitment to who you want to be. How you want to live. How you choose to treat people. How you choose to carry yourself. React to things. Handle things. Live. in all facets from how we love, to how we commune with a bank teller, how we choose to look at people on the street. It is all choice, all the time. Learning to be a man, learning how to live, is really what this all comes down to. The way I mistreated our love, was only one little sliver of all that was being done incorrectly simply out of an ignorance born of an unwillingness to WAKE UP and take RESPONSIBILITY.
Interesting.
Morning:
Life it seems is about making a commitment. I have always said life was based entirely on choice, and yet I've allowed myself somehow to ignore the weight of that fact. Blame the reality of my life on other things, other people, rather then look at the simple fact that literally life is what we make it.
Life, Is about making a commitment to who you want to be. How you want to live. How you choose to treat people. How you choose to carry yourself. React to things. Handle things. Live. in all facets from how we love, to how we commune with a bank teller, how we choose to look at people on the street. It is all choice, all the time. Learning to be a man, learning how to live, is really what this all comes down to. The way I mistreated our love, was only one little sliver of all that was being done incorrectly simply out of an ignorance born of an unwillingness to WAKE UP and take RESPONSIBILITY.
Interesting.
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