Day Eight:

Morning: 


I still find myself worried. worried that during this time, I will lose the woman I love. Worried, even though I KNOW if for whatever reason one of us moved on that would simply state something else in the plan. That thought does not help. It does not soothe the itching fear in the pit of my stomach. Tho while worry and fear lives still in me, I also have a renewed sense of hope, for both that and in general the state of my life. It is like there is a battle ramping up inside me, on one hand  I fear losing you. I fear losing what we have. but on the other hand I feel liberated, free from my previous lies, and all to narrow focus, able to SEE clearly the path ahead. It is in such a way that I cannot truly feel sorrow, or anything really beyond a scratching tremor of unease about the whole thing. some of what is keeping the fear at bay is surely based on a bit of logic a friend spoke to me the night of the divide.
"If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you guys will be just fine."

In that, there is a truth that I cant really fight with. If we do love each other the way we say we do, then we will progress from here, surpass this trial and come out stronger, wiser, better. If not, we will not remain connected in the same way we were, ( for whatever reason) and life will go on, and we will go on stronger, wiser, better. It is a bit of a rationalising things way to look at it I suppose but I do take some joy in the simple fact that not all love gets such a raw chance to be tested. While not the main purpose by any means its a nice side effect to what has happened. I dunno... I worry but I am learning to hope more, worry less. Trust more fear less.  
Fear, there it is.

     Fear.

The main culprit for all that has happened, the muddy monster in the back of my brain that strokes nearly ALL the bad decisions ive made out of me. Living in fear. of this, of that. It has controlled me for SO LONG.

So long...

To give up living in fear and instead live in faith of a power much wiser then myself... To give up acting out of fear... Opens doors for me that until now have remained VERY tightly closed.

Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.



Simple enough...