Day Five: 

Morning: 

I woke to two singular pounds THUMP THUMP at exactly 9:30, the time Id be leaving with my family to go to church today... if things weren't the way they are now. went to the door, nothing there... I think I'm going to trudge down the street after im done writing this and see if any church around here is doin its thing, which it should be seeing its Sunday.. The church I will be going to regularly it seems has service Wednesday nights.
I stayed up late, watching a show on HULU I'd never seen before, episode after episode, in grief knowing how much you would enjoy it... It was like I could even hear your laughter at parts you would have liked. one day we will watch it together, and I can actually enjoy it.
Keeping hope, and trust alive is proving difficult. I was haunted by dreams not remembered, but I know I remember the feeling of abandonment. I was dreaming of the day you didn't love me anymore. Logically such dreams seem about as rational as a fat clown attaining the ability to fly by eating too many puffy truffles.
Cause, well youve NEVER given me any reason to doubt just how fully you love me, and yet, I worry.
Ive always worried and dreaded that day, the day you don't love me anymore...
I wish It would just stop, but perhaps again that is another thing to be learned in all this. If I love you, if I am ACTING out of love for you ACTIVELY loving you. and love is indeed "hopeful" giving into a sense of dread and distrust cannot be. I have to be hopeful, for if I am not, then I am not loving you.
That is another of the things that gets filed onto the side of the page headed "HAD TO HAPPEN FOR YOU TO LEARN" that side of the list is getting pretty heavy..
I miss you. I love you.

I trust you. I have hope for us. I have to. heh.... I love you... well that does make some sense after all don't it...