Day One:


Night: 2

Any loneliness I have ever felt before now, is a paradise. any hopelessness Ive ever felt, is a warm calm bath. I have felt a full range, a consistent waving of emotions and now, there is nothing, there is a stagnant air living inside, a warm numb bitter tasting nothing in my chest. I'm beginning to give up hope on the call that cant come. The message that wont arrive, the waking realization that all is okay.
All Is not okay.
Every pair of footsteps I hear... sends hope down my spine that it be for me, it never is.
every idling engine outside forces me to exit my house in hope that it be someone for me.
It never is.
No one is coming for me.
There is no escaping this nothingness. this nothingness I have put on myself. there is no end to this pain, no laughter to be had in this body. No joy. No comfort.
I had so much... so very much. life is standing still as this heart wrenching sorrow eats away at my dreams, there are no dreams. Life, feels hollow... meaningless. to this mourning mind, to simply never open my eyes again seems... well it seems comforting.  The quiet black of sleep rather then this constant barrage of what Ive broken. the endless reminder of all Ive lost.

Death, sounds nice to a life hemorrhaged and empty.

But I cant die, I have to wake  up. continue on. Pain or no pain. Death would turn a possibility of future happiness into an utter and complete impossibility. Death would escape the pain... but I have to believe It wont always be like this.
regret
regret
regret

like ocean winds it circles me.

I'm sorry Pepper.
I should have been better to you.
I should have been better...

I will be better...