Day One:


Noon.

My insides grumble, my body is hungry, and yet, I feel absolutely no craving for food. I have not eaten, I dont feel like eating. Not one bit. still numb, still waiting to wake up, need to stop. Cant wake up. Not asleep.
Still looking back on ALL the ways I COULD have fixed things. need to stop. Cant do any of them. coming to the inevitable conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I worry about her forgetting me, about her forgetting what forever means.. I look back on all the times with a bit of sick humor... that I said things like...

"Time has no meaning when it comes to you"
"I will wait forever if I have to"
"it doesn't matter to me, if it takes forever for us to be able to be together, I will wait forever."

My own words echo around in the dusty comatose entry way of my mind, advice id given others.
"when your in love... REALLY in love, time has no meaning...

                          ...you can wait forever."


I wonder if they think I will just never come back, I wonder what is next for me, I wonder if I will be able to cope, if I will have the strength to continue.
I know a few things:

I cant ignore God anymore.
I cant leave this place.
I cant allow myself to be weak anymore.

and...


                         this feeling... its going to get worse.