Day Four: 

Afternoon: 2

Love...









Have I ever really been ready to take part in something so... heavy? Have I ever really been ready to even bring it up?
                    ...Its always been something Ive wanted.. Whether I admit it or not, that seems to be the case. But was I ever at any point actually READY to love?
I wasn't. My actions state those of a person, so wrapped up in themselves... how COULD they. To love, Is to make a choice. The choice to act out of love. I was not making that choice. Love would know no selfishness. no deceit... It is trusting. Loyal. True. Real.
 Perhaps that is another part of this...
Perhaps I am learning what love actually is, and in that... I suppose I'm supposed------ to make the choice.
With this... this... all this "I could have stopped this" "this didn't have to happen" "nothing was worth this" shoulda shoulda shoulda... means nothing... cause, I was doing it wrong all along anyway...
Entirely.
I had one tiny fragment correct... But Honesty, has to be an all encompassing part of ones life... It cant simply live between a select few, or ONE avenue of communication. It cant be a lazer beam. It has to be a strobe light. that COVERS all of your life.
Now I do not claim that I was never in love, or that I am not now. I believe I am very much in love. What I DO claim now, is rather, I do not posses the KNOWLEDGE to Love correctly.
I lack the tools to Love fully, selflessly, with purpose.  So whether or not I am IN LOVE if I feel  love is not the question, the question is, has been, and should in fact always be am I ready to ACT on such feelings. The answer to that, a resounding, no. Simply because you can slide under a 67 turbo custom GT fire bird, does NOT necessarily mean you are ready to fix its collaborator.

I had it in my mind that love, is a magic pill that once you swallow it, makes everything SHINY. (for lack of a better magic affect) but, what I missed was the all to important fact that love, takes RESPONSIBILITY. A maturity that can ONLY come from truly opening your eyes and LOOKING at it CHEWING on it. In essence, I guess its easy to FEEL in love. Its a bigger challenge, to ACT out of love.

 and one, does NOT in any way guarantee the other.


God please help me keep my eyes open to what I need to change, to live for you. I'm finding more, and more, its more then I thought.