Day one:


Morning.

I keep feeling, like this is a dream, that I will wake from... that I will wake up with a headache, staring at the ceiling for a long hazy moment knowing full well that I was not ready to wake. Id wonder "why am I waking up then..." then, id recognize it... the familiar tune of a cell phone, that I should not have anymore.. and its her, calling me, waking me up, just like usual... id scramble for it, find it under some mess and hear her voice...

it was a dream... id think, tears poring down my cheeks, it was a DREAM! and now I can make everything right!!


Its not a dream.


There is no call, no phone, no voice. just the empty hum of reality. I miss her. I love her. I took her for granted, and let my greed and selfishness blind me.
Time after time after TIME I saw the warnings, straight from God.
stop

stop


stop


and now, no more warnings. It makes sense, I get it, and I'm not gonna shake an angry fist at the heavens and demand to know WHYYY the bitterness isn't even creeping down the hall of my mind, to scratch at my brain.. there is no bitterness, which is odd, in a way. but very much so NOT in another. We deserve this. We asked for this when we ignored what we KNEW what we should have done.

Ignoring God, isn't a bright move, he has a way of getting our attention.
you have my attention now...

I know what I have to do, I know what he is telling me to do, but then its no different then what he was always telling me to do.. "focus on me" that was always it, so simple. "focus on me and the rest will come" but I was selfish. Childish. Stupid. and now, there is that unsettling emptiness, in my gut. I miss her.

I miss you pepper.

This feeling, there is no other way to describe it but simply that I feel DEAD. completely dead. everything is still, inside, there is no magic. no thirst, no hunger, no dance of my heart rather just a somber steady drum of a vital organ simply doing its job. nothing more. and as of yet... oddly...

the tears still haven't even REALLY come... its like the body is too dead to even really cry.
selfish.
stupid
childish
self centered
"To live life in such a way that leaves no reason for any form of deception" that's what I wanted...

heh...

you've got my attention.



You win.