Day Five:

Night: 



Interesting how every once and a while God will pull off the blinders and let you see things a bit clearly, out of nowhere really... I see some things pretty clearly right now... I wonder... just how much I was missing the simple idea of living happily with myself, FOR God. taking a bit of joy just simply in who I am. the gifts he has given me.
Its been a long road getting myself to see any god in me, but Iam getting some of that here and there... but what is REALLY interesting is being in this place of ACTUALLY appreciating life simply for existing... I have so many dreams and aspirations, its easy to get into a place of sorrow simply because I am where I am, not where I want to be. but God can and DOES use us at all times, if we let him. I am potentially just as useful to him now as I will be thirty years from now. its just about staying awake and having the strength to trust and obey.
Ive always looked at you as so high above me my love. I always felt so undeserving, so unworthy of your love. A fact you were never shy about fighting me on. Ive always been so safe with things like " I want you to be as happy as possible if not with me then so be it as long as your happy as you could possibly ever be, thats what I want,"  yadda yadda.
Im starting to see, I can be that person to give you that I CAN be that guy. not as I was, that was impossible. But in being the man that God wants me to be... I can see it. Just like I can see bits and pieces of those I admire, in courage, resilience, the will to FIGHT, a loving unbiased compassion, a straight up fighting EXCITEMENT for LIFE all these things Ive seen in those I look up to I can feel in me while I am pushing to be the man God wants me to be...
interesting how lost bitter and alone I was surrounded by people who loved me... It took being separated from them all for God to get through to me... and show me how to love back.