Day 18:
Noon
I have been feeling better, happier, odd as it feels to feel happy. I have been feeling it. But I realize when I look at the state of my day to day. I sleep... too much. I have little to nothing of the drive I once had. then, I sleep more. while my mindset has undoubtedly gotten brighter...it seems something is still wrong... something simple.
something not based of fear, or worry. doubt or dread... just the simple point that my life is going on, without you in it. and a piece of me still has not learned to function under the circumstances.
As much as that may be the case, Life is still moving. passing by me like a cold wind, my opportunities souring and losing their potential. regardless of how I feel. Nothing changes the all too simple fact that I have to get it together.
The way I have been living... this half effort broken attempt at living...
Has to stop.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day Thirteen:
Night:
Something simple, yet incredibly complex has occurred.
coming to the conclusion that not only do I have to do what God wants for my life, to reach my full potential and simply because I wish to... also, coming to the conclusion that I have HOPE for my love, and hence don't worry about it as much these days... im left with the crushing weight of the reality that I REALLY need to sort out my life.
Night:
Something simple, yet incredibly complex has occurred.
coming to the conclusion that not only do I have to do what God wants for my life, to reach my full potential and simply because I wish to... also, coming to the conclusion that I have HOPE for my love, and hence don't worry about it as much these days... im left with the crushing weight of the reality that I REALLY need to sort out my life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day Ten:
Morning:
Take a moment. A long one. In this moment really consider your life. Consider the actions of God, (that you can see, of course there are MANY you can not) The actions of God are paralleled through all of us... In this simple idea. God is loving. Always. Consider how many times god has made an EFFORT to get to you, despite your thought, deception, unwillingness, or actions. Everyone Ive spoken with, seeking a relationship with God ( and quite a few who aren't) share this pattern of experience. God loves us DESPITE what we have done, despite who we have been. He loves us fully, completely, with such a feverish passion he will again and AGAIN chase after us.
In that, to reflect that kind of love back onto the world, is to open ones self to do the work of God.
Morning:
Take a moment. A long one. In this moment really consider your life. Consider the actions of God, (that you can see, of course there are MANY you can not) The actions of God are paralleled through all of us... In this simple idea. God is loving. Always. Consider how many times god has made an EFFORT to get to you, despite your thought, deception, unwillingness, or actions. Everyone Ive spoken with, seeking a relationship with God ( and quite a few who aren't) share this pattern of experience. God loves us DESPITE what we have done, despite who we have been. He loves us fully, completely, with such a feverish passion he will again and AGAIN chase after us.
In that, to reflect that kind of love back onto the world, is to open ones self to do the work of God.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day Eight:
Night:
I'm seeing suddenly the simplicity of it all. And when I look back, I can see a laundry list of examples of the times God was pushing this simple message into my brain.
Life is simple.
We are called to believe.
The end. in doing so, TRULY we then encompass all other factors of our lives. in that we then of course, Love everyone in the way that we are meant to, because we truly believe. Of course we work as hard as we can and thus achieve greatness, because we truly believe. Of course we are able to maintain ourselves, and make wise decisions, because we truly believe.
Everything we need to know to live grand lives for the father, has all been laid out for us right at our fingertips, and with even the teeniest bit of reaching out we can EASILY surround ourselves with people to help us on our way. Which all makes sense really seeing as that is how God works.
God works through US. When we are working to our greatest potential, when we are TRULY believing and living as such. THAT is when great things happen.
Cause when we are living out Gods purpose for us, we can do anything, as it is not merely our will.
interesting.
Night:
I'm seeing suddenly the simplicity of it all. And when I look back, I can see a laundry list of examples of the times God was pushing this simple message into my brain.
Life is simple.
We are called to believe.
The end. in doing so, TRULY we then encompass all other factors of our lives. in that we then of course, Love everyone in the way that we are meant to, because we truly believe. Of course we work as hard as we can and thus achieve greatness, because we truly believe. Of course we are able to maintain ourselves, and make wise decisions, because we truly believe.
Everything we need to know to live grand lives for the father, has all been laid out for us right at our fingertips, and with even the teeniest bit of reaching out we can EASILY surround ourselves with people to help us on our way. Which all makes sense really seeing as that is how God works.
God works through US. When we are working to our greatest potential, when we are TRULY believing and living as such. THAT is when great things happen.
Cause when we are living out Gods purpose for us, we can do anything, as it is not merely our will.
interesting.
Day Eight:
Morning:
I still find myself worried. worried that during this time, I will lose the woman I love. Worried, even though I KNOW if for whatever reason one of us moved on that would simply state something else in the plan. That thought does not help. It does not soothe the itching fear in the pit of my stomach. Tho while worry and fear lives still in me, I also have a renewed sense of hope, for both that and in general the state of my life. It is like there is a battle ramping up inside me, on one hand I fear losing you. I fear losing what we have. but on the other hand I feel liberated, free from my previous lies, and all to narrow focus, able to SEE clearly the path ahead. It is in such a way that I cannot truly feel sorrow, or anything really beyond a scratching tremor of unease about the whole thing. some of what is keeping the fear at bay is surely based on a bit of logic a friend spoke to me the night of the divide.
"If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you guys will be just fine."
In that, there is a truth that I cant really fight with. If we do love each other the way we say we do, then we will progress from here, surpass this trial and come out stronger, wiser, better. If not, we will not remain connected in the same way we were, ( for whatever reason) and life will go on, and we will go on stronger, wiser, better. It is a bit of a rationalising things way to look at it I suppose but I do take some joy in the simple fact that not all love gets such a raw chance to be tested. While not the main purpose by any means its a nice side effect to what has happened. I dunno... I worry but I am learning to hope more, worry less. Trust more fear less.
Fear, there it is.
Fear.
The main culprit for all that has happened, the muddy monster in the back of my brain that strokes nearly ALL the bad decisions ive made out of me. Living in fear. of this, of that. It has controlled me for SO LONG.
So long...
To give up living in fear and instead live in faith of a power much wiser then myself... To give up acting out of fear... Opens doors for me that until now have remained VERY tightly closed.
Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.
Simple enough...
Morning:
I still find myself worried. worried that during this time, I will lose the woman I love. Worried, even though I KNOW if for whatever reason one of us moved on that would simply state something else in the plan. That thought does not help. It does not soothe the itching fear in the pit of my stomach. Tho while worry and fear lives still in me, I also have a renewed sense of hope, for both that and in general the state of my life. It is like there is a battle ramping up inside me, on one hand I fear losing you. I fear losing what we have. but on the other hand I feel liberated, free from my previous lies, and all to narrow focus, able to SEE clearly the path ahead. It is in such a way that I cannot truly feel sorrow, or anything really beyond a scratching tremor of unease about the whole thing. some of what is keeping the fear at bay is surely based on a bit of logic a friend spoke to me the night of the divide.
"If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you guys will be just fine."
In that, there is a truth that I cant really fight with. If we do love each other the way we say we do, then we will progress from here, surpass this trial and come out stronger, wiser, better. If not, we will not remain connected in the same way we were, ( for whatever reason) and life will go on, and we will go on stronger, wiser, better. It is a bit of a rationalising things way to look at it I suppose but I do take some joy in the simple fact that not all love gets such a raw chance to be tested. While not the main purpose by any means its a nice side effect to what has happened. I dunno... I worry but I am learning to hope more, worry less. Trust more fear less.
Fear, there it is.
Fear.
The main culprit for all that has happened, the muddy monster in the back of my brain that strokes nearly ALL the bad decisions ive made out of me. Living in fear. of this, of that. It has controlled me for SO LONG.
So long...
To give up living in fear and instead live in faith of a power much wiser then myself... To give up acting out of fear... Opens doors for me that until now have remained VERY tightly closed.
Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.Give up fear.
Live for God.
Simple enough...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day Seven:
Morning:
Its been one week since we were separated, tho at this exact time that day I did not know anything like that was to happen yet, actually at THIS exact time THAT day I believe I was speaking to you on the phone... One week, has felt like an eternity, I have never cried more in my life. But things have been coming more clearly, the hopeless sadness that comes from the thought of NEVER being able to see you again has drifted, as I do not believe that to be the case. And while I miss you, every day, I am beginning to believe more and more that this is for the best. More so, I am coming to the honest realization that if we both stay strong, and work hard this can end up making us stronger then we have ever been.
Saying things, and FEELING them are two very different things, I came to this conclusion a while ago, but I am just now BEGINNING to actually feel that it is true. Still I miss your company, and simply being a part of your day to day life, I still worry from time to time of you forgetting me... or replacing me, but that is an ongoing personal battle I will continue to fight within myself.
For I KNOW I believe there is no reason to fear such things anyway.
just as I KNOW right now the thing I must focus hard on, is getting my career in line. I have noticed, looking at things from a pool of worthless self pity and meaningless piles of regret, that I am very much a bum. I am 23 with no job, no career (in action) no phone, no car, and just enough money in the bank to pay for UNDER two months of rent on my tiny apartment. these facts WILL NOT change without a hard work and determination I was not taking responsibility for. Until now.
Now, its time to look at things for what they are, honestly assess them, and FIGHT for what I want my life to be. FIGHT for who I want MYSELF to be.
In some ways its a very exciting time.
In the same exact ways its more accurately a very horrifying time.
And yet, I cant help but feel like, its going to be Okay.
I love you PePp3r. Soom.
Morning:
Its been one week since we were separated, tho at this exact time that day I did not know anything like that was to happen yet, actually at THIS exact time THAT day I believe I was speaking to you on the phone... One week, has felt like an eternity, I have never cried more in my life. But things have been coming more clearly, the hopeless sadness that comes from the thought of NEVER being able to see you again has drifted, as I do not believe that to be the case. And while I miss you, every day, I am beginning to believe more and more that this is for the best. More so, I am coming to the honest realization that if we both stay strong, and work hard this can end up making us stronger then we have ever been.
Saying things, and FEELING them are two very different things, I came to this conclusion a while ago, but I am just now BEGINNING to actually feel that it is true. Still I miss your company, and simply being a part of your day to day life, I still worry from time to time of you forgetting me... or replacing me, but that is an ongoing personal battle I will continue to fight within myself.
For I KNOW I believe there is no reason to fear such things anyway.
just as I KNOW right now the thing I must focus hard on, is getting my career in line. I have noticed, looking at things from a pool of worthless self pity and meaningless piles of regret, that I am very much a bum. I am 23 with no job, no career (in action) no phone, no car, and just enough money in the bank to pay for UNDER two months of rent on my tiny apartment. these facts WILL NOT change without a hard work and determination I was not taking responsibility for. Until now.
Now, its time to look at things for what they are, honestly assess them, and FIGHT for what I want my life to be. FIGHT for who I want MYSELF to be.
In some ways its a very exciting time.
In the same exact ways its more accurately a very horrifying time.
And yet, I cant help but feel like, its going to be Okay.
I love you PePp3r. Soom.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day Six:
Morning:
Life it seems is about making a commitment. I have always said life was based entirely on choice, and yet I've allowed myself somehow to ignore the weight of that fact. Blame the reality of my life on other things, other people, rather then look at the simple fact that literally life is what we make it.
Life, Is about making a commitment to who you want to be. How you want to live. How you choose to treat people. How you choose to carry yourself. React to things. Handle things. Live. in all facets from how we love, to how we commune with a bank teller, how we choose to look at people on the street. It is all choice, all the time. Learning to be a man, learning how to live, is really what this all comes down to. The way I mistreated our love, was only one little sliver of all that was being done incorrectly simply out of an ignorance born of an unwillingness to WAKE UP and take RESPONSIBILITY.
Interesting.
Morning:
Life it seems is about making a commitment. I have always said life was based entirely on choice, and yet I've allowed myself somehow to ignore the weight of that fact. Blame the reality of my life on other things, other people, rather then look at the simple fact that literally life is what we make it.
Life, Is about making a commitment to who you want to be. How you want to live. How you choose to treat people. How you choose to carry yourself. React to things. Handle things. Live. in all facets from how we love, to how we commune with a bank teller, how we choose to look at people on the street. It is all choice, all the time. Learning to be a man, learning how to live, is really what this all comes down to. The way I mistreated our love, was only one little sliver of all that was being done incorrectly simply out of an ignorance born of an unwillingness to WAKE UP and take RESPONSIBILITY.
Interesting.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Day Five:
Night:
Interesting how every once and a while God will pull off the blinders and let you see things a bit clearly, out of nowhere really... I see some things pretty clearly right now... I wonder... just how much I was missing the simple idea of living happily with myself, FOR God. taking a bit of joy just simply in who I am. the gifts he has given me.
Its been a long road getting myself to see any god in me, but Iam getting some of that here and there... but what is REALLY interesting is being in this place of ACTUALLY appreciating life simply for existing... I have so many dreams and aspirations, its easy to get into a place of sorrow simply because I am where I am, not where I want to be. but God can and DOES use us at all times, if we let him. I am potentially just as useful to him now as I will be thirty years from now. its just about staying awake and having the strength to trust and obey.
Ive always looked at you as so high above me my love. I always felt so undeserving, so unworthy of your love. A fact you were never shy about fighting me on. Ive always been so safe with things like " I want you to be as happy as possible if not with me then so be it as long as your happy as you could possibly ever be, thats what I want," yadda yadda.
Im starting to see, I can be that person to give you that I CAN be that guy. not as I was, that was impossible. But in being the man that God wants me to be... I can see it. Just like I can see bits and pieces of those I admire, in courage, resilience, the will to FIGHT, a loving unbiased compassion, a straight up fighting EXCITEMENT for LIFE all these things Ive seen in those I look up to I can feel in me while I am pushing to be the man God wants me to be...
interesting how lost bitter and alone I was surrounded by people who loved me... It took being separated from them all for God to get through to me... and show me how to love back.
Night:
Interesting how every once and a while God will pull off the blinders and let you see things a bit clearly, out of nowhere really... I see some things pretty clearly right now... I wonder... just how much I was missing the simple idea of living happily with myself, FOR God. taking a bit of joy just simply in who I am. the gifts he has given me.
Its been a long road getting myself to see any god in me, but Iam getting some of that here and there... but what is REALLY interesting is being in this place of ACTUALLY appreciating life simply for existing... I have so many dreams and aspirations, its easy to get into a place of sorrow simply because I am where I am, not where I want to be. but God can and DOES use us at all times, if we let him. I am potentially just as useful to him now as I will be thirty years from now. its just about staying awake and having the strength to trust and obey.
Ive always looked at you as so high above me my love. I always felt so undeserving, so unworthy of your love. A fact you were never shy about fighting me on. Ive always been so safe with things like " I want you to be as happy as possible if not with me then so be it as long as your happy as you could possibly ever be, thats what I want," yadda yadda.
Im starting to see, I can be that person to give you that I CAN be that guy. not as I was, that was impossible. But in being the man that God wants me to be... I can see it. Just like I can see bits and pieces of those I admire, in courage, resilience, the will to FIGHT, a loving unbiased compassion, a straight up fighting EXCITEMENT for LIFE all these things Ive seen in those I look up to I can feel in me while I am pushing to be the man God wants me to be...
interesting how lost bitter and alone I was surrounded by people who loved me... It took being separated from them all for God to get through to me... and show me how to love back.
Day Five:
Afternoon:
The straight up empty feeling has subsided, tho there is still very much an uncomfortable squirming of maggots in my stomach. I have regained a bit of an apatite. Now that a bit of the complete unreasonable grief has let go of my chest, and the crying fits have lessened. Im left with the simple endless hum of missing you. I lay here with poofy eating candy you love watching this show I know you would enjoy, and its still like I can hear your laughter, when you would laugh. I find myself staring at your face in the all too brief interlude of the darkness of blinking, I can see your expressions as you react. I can nearly feel the burning in your eyes, while the commercials play, you look at me, trying to figure out what we are going to do next. Someone is to the other side of me, falling over, I hear a little dog bark, and be pushed off the couch...We both know neither of us care what we do next..., its just another Sunday afternoon, and when next comes, we will be doing what we are doing... tho given the time, I feel I would be cooking soon. While you clean the counters... and we laugh... about nothing. Someone is doing some dishes, and two others are laughing about something I cant see, on a laptop across the room, I feel myself smile watching all of you one after the other investigate and join the laughter. Its calm here, safe, free, fun, loving, real... its just another Sunday afternoon.. heh... I hadn’t really cried yet today...
Just another Sunday afternoon... and here I am.
Alone.
Day Five:
Noon:
1st Corinthians 13:4
Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.
yeah.
Noon:
1st Corinthians 13:4
Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.
yeah.
Day Five:
Morning:
I woke to two singular pounds THUMP THUMP at exactly 9:30, the time Id be leaving with my family to go to church today... if things weren't the way they are now. went to the door, nothing there... I think I'm going to trudge down the street after im done writing this and see if any church around here is doin its thing, which it should be seeing its Sunday.. The church I will be going to regularly it seems has service Wednesday nights.
I stayed up late, watching a show on HULU I'd never seen before, episode after episode, in grief knowing how much you would enjoy it... It was like I could even hear your laughter at parts you would have liked. one day we will watch it together, and I can actually enjoy it.
Keeping hope, and trust alive is proving difficult. I was haunted by dreams not remembered, but I know I remember the feeling of abandonment. I was dreaming of the day you didn't love me anymore. Logically such dreams seem about as rational as a fat clown attaining the ability to fly by eating too many puffy truffles.
Cause, well youve NEVER given me any reason to doubt just how fully you love me, and yet, I worry.
Ive always worried and dreaded that day, the day you don't love me anymore...
I wish It would just stop, but perhaps again that is another thing to be learned in all this. If I love you, if I am ACTING out of love for you ACTIVELY loving you. and love is indeed "hopeful" giving into a sense of dread and distrust cannot be. I have to be hopeful, for if I am not, then I am not loving you.
That is another of the things that gets filed onto the side of the page headed "HAD TO HAPPEN FOR YOU TO LEARN" that side of the list is getting pretty heavy..
I miss you. I love you.
I trust you. I have hope for us. I have to. heh.... I love you... well that does make some sense after all don't it...
Morning:
I woke to two singular pounds THUMP THUMP at exactly 9:30, the time Id be leaving with my family to go to church today... if things weren't the way they are now. went to the door, nothing there... I think I'm going to trudge down the street after im done writing this and see if any church around here is doin its thing, which it should be seeing its Sunday.. The church I will be going to regularly it seems has service Wednesday nights.
I stayed up late, watching a show on HULU I'd never seen before, episode after episode, in grief knowing how much you would enjoy it... It was like I could even hear your laughter at parts you would have liked. one day we will watch it together, and I can actually enjoy it.
Keeping hope, and trust alive is proving difficult. I was haunted by dreams not remembered, but I know I remember the feeling of abandonment. I was dreaming of the day you didn't love me anymore. Logically such dreams seem about as rational as a fat clown attaining the ability to fly by eating too many puffy truffles.
Cause, well youve NEVER given me any reason to doubt just how fully you love me, and yet, I worry.
Ive always worried and dreaded that day, the day you don't love me anymore...
I wish It would just stop, but perhaps again that is another thing to be learned in all this. If I love you, if I am ACTING out of love for you ACTIVELY loving you. and love is indeed "hopeful" giving into a sense of dread and distrust cannot be. I have to be hopeful, for if I am not, then I am not loving you.
That is another of the things that gets filed onto the side of the page headed "HAD TO HAPPEN FOR YOU TO LEARN" that side of the list is getting pretty heavy..
I miss you. I love you.
I trust you. I have hope for us. I have to. heh.... I love you... well that does make some sense after all don't it...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day Four:
Night:
Acting out of love. truly acting out of love. Something to surely learn. I think a big part of that is going to be learning to be hopeful, and surely trusting.
Hope and Trust, there are two concepts im not too good at.
I love you enough to have faith in us.
I love you enough to have Hope for us.
I CERTAINLY love you enough to have trust in the love you have for me.
If we both just keep working to get closer to God... well that seems to be the whole point don't it?
oh yeah... and
...I miss you.
Night:
Acting out of love. truly acting out of love. Something to surely learn. I think a big part of that is going to be learning to be hopeful, and surely trusting.
Hope and Trust, there are two concepts im not too good at.
I love you enough to have faith in us.
I love you enough to have Hope for us.
I CERTAINLY love you enough to have trust in the love you have for me.
If we both just keep working to get closer to God... well that seems to be the whole point don't it?
oh yeah... and
...I miss you.
Day Four:
Afternoon: 2
Love...
Have I ever really been ready to take part in something so... heavy? Have I ever really been ready to even bring it up?
...Its always been something Ive wanted.. Whether I admit it or not, that seems to be the case. But was I ever at any point actually READY to love?
I wasn't. My actions state those of a person, so wrapped up in themselves... how COULD they. To love, Is to make a choice. The choice to act out of love. I was not making that choice. Love would know no selfishness. no deceit... It is trusting. Loyal. True. Real.
Perhaps that is another part of this...
Perhaps I am learning what love actually is, and in that... I suppose I'm supposed------ to make the choice.
With this... this... all this "I could have stopped this" "this didn't have to happen" "nothing was worth this" shoulda shoulda shoulda... means nothing... cause, I was doing it wrong all along anyway...
Entirely.
I had one tiny fragment correct... But Honesty, has to be an all encompassing part of ones life... It cant simply live between a select few, or ONE avenue of communication. It cant be a lazer beam. It has to be a strobe light. that COVERS all of your life.
Now I do not claim that I was never in love, or that I am not now. I believe I am very much in love. What I DO claim now, is rather, I do not posses the KNOWLEDGE to Love correctly.
I lack the tools to Love fully, selflessly, with purpose. So whether or not I am IN LOVE if I feel love is not the question, the question is, has been, and should in fact always be am I ready to ACT on such feelings. The answer to that, a resounding, no. Simply because you can slide under a 67 turbo custom GT fire bird, does NOT necessarily mean you are ready to fix its collaborator.
I had it in my mind that love, is a magic pill that once you swallow it, makes everything SHINY. (for lack of a better magic affect) but, what I missed was the all to important fact that love, takes RESPONSIBILITY. A maturity that can ONLY come from truly opening your eyes and LOOKING at it CHEWING on it. In essence, I guess its easy to FEEL in love. Its a bigger challenge, to ACT out of love.
and one, does NOT in any way guarantee the other.
God please help me keep my eyes open to what I need to change, to live for you. I'm finding more, and more, its more then I thought.
Afternoon: 2
Love...
Have I ever really been ready to take part in something so... heavy? Have I ever really been ready to even bring it up?
...Its always been something Ive wanted.. Whether I admit it or not, that seems to be the case. But was I ever at any point actually READY to love?
I wasn't. My actions state those of a person, so wrapped up in themselves... how COULD they. To love, Is to make a choice. The choice to act out of love. I was not making that choice. Love would know no selfishness. no deceit... It is trusting. Loyal. True. Real.
Perhaps that is another part of this...
Perhaps I am learning what love actually is, and in that... I suppose I'm supposed------ to make the choice.
With this... this... all this "I could have stopped this" "this didn't have to happen" "nothing was worth this" shoulda shoulda shoulda... means nothing... cause, I was doing it wrong all along anyway...
Entirely.
I had one tiny fragment correct... But Honesty, has to be an all encompassing part of ones life... It cant simply live between a select few, or ONE avenue of communication. It cant be a lazer beam. It has to be a strobe light. that COVERS all of your life.
Now I do not claim that I was never in love, or that I am not now. I believe I am very much in love. What I DO claim now, is rather, I do not posses the KNOWLEDGE to Love correctly.
I lack the tools to Love fully, selflessly, with purpose. So whether or not I am IN LOVE if I feel love is not the question, the question is, has been, and should in fact always be am I ready to ACT on such feelings. The answer to that, a resounding, no. Simply because you can slide under a 67 turbo custom GT fire bird, does NOT necessarily mean you are ready to fix its collaborator.
I had it in my mind that love, is a magic pill that once you swallow it, makes everything SHINY. (for lack of a better magic affect) but, what I missed was the all to important fact that love, takes RESPONSIBILITY. A maturity that can ONLY come from truly opening your eyes and LOOKING at it CHEWING on it. In essence, I guess its easy to FEEL in love. Its a bigger challenge, to ACT out of love.
and one, does NOT in any way guarantee the other.
God please help me keep my eyes open to what I need to change, to live for you. I'm finding more, and more, its more then I thought.
Day Four:
Afternoon:
I keep looking back on how things were.. not consciously, rather the thoughts, and memories sucker punch me. I see back to how we were in the beginning, How we were all throughout, when simply enjoying one another as friends. What I DON'T find myself dwelling on at ALL is aaaallll the things that got us into this mess. This fact is EXTREMELY irritating. If we had just relaxed. if Id just kept us stable, in a safe place, If Id JUUUST taken care of us a LITTLE BIT.
This, never would have happened. I miss you my friend... I miss you every moment.
I'm sorry.
Afternoon:
I keep looking back on how things were.. not consciously, rather the thoughts, and memories sucker punch me. I see back to how we were in the beginning, How we were all throughout, when simply enjoying one another as friends. What I DON'T find myself dwelling on at ALL is aaaallll the things that got us into this mess. This fact is EXTREMELY irritating. If we had just relaxed. if Id just kept us stable, in a safe place, If Id JUUUST taken care of us a LITTLE BIT.
This, never would have happened. I miss you my friend... I miss you every moment.
I'm sorry.
Day Four:
Morning: 3
When you are really forced to sit back and look at how you've lived your life, It would be nice to do so without just feeling HORRIBLE. Ive always been a user. it seems. Always working an angle, selfish. Trying simply to get what I want. Regardless of the position it puts others in. I think its that simple, If I was going to state in a single word how I have lived my life it would be "SELFISH" self centered. all about me. always whining about how BAD it is for me, and how much BETTER eeeeeveryone else has it. What a load.. Ive spent so long blaming "THINGS" that have happened on how I am that I somewhere along the line missed the basic lesson of taking responsibility and THOUGHT in your actions.
...I don't want to live that way anymore... I'm so sick SO SO SICK of hearing myself rationalize why I do this and that, why I'm so messed up, why its in essence "out of my hands" its garbage. If we are all TRULY equal, then why is it Ive allowed myself to put myself up on such a sad little cross. I said that I didn't want to be a "bad thing" in peoples lives anymore, and in response to that worry, I created a negative stigma in my mind that didn't even really exist. And thus, gave myself yet ANOTHER chance to NOT take responsibility for what I was doing.
I did what I wanted. regardless of other peoples feelings. As if they simply didn't mean a thing. What sad irresponsible weakness. I HATE the person Ive been.
I hate him.
Morning: 3
When you are really forced to sit back and look at how you've lived your life, It would be nice to do so without just feeling HORRIBLE. Ive always been a user. it seems. Always working an angle, selfish. Trying simply to get what I want. Regardless of the position it puts others in. I think its that simple, If I was going to state in a single word how I have lived my life it would be "SELFISH" self centered. all about me. always whining about how BAD it is for me, and how much BETTER eeeeeveryone else has it. What a load.. Ive spent so long blaming "THINGS" that have happened on how I am that I somewhere along the line missed the basic lesson of taking responsibility and THOUGHT in your actions.
...I don't want to live that way anymore... I'm so sick SO SO SICK of hearing myself rationalize why I do this and that, why I'm so messed up, why its in essence "out of my hands" its garbage. If we are all TRULY equal, then why is it Ive allowed myself to put myself up on such a sad little cross. I said that I didn't want to be a "bad thing" in peoples lives anymore, and in response to that worry, I created a negative stigma in my mind that didn't even really exist. And thus, gave myself yet ANOTHER chance to NOT take responsibility for what I was doing.
I did what I wanted. regardless of other peoples feelings. As if they simply didn't mean a thing. What sad irresponsible weakness. I HATE the person Ive been.
I hate him.
Day Four:
Morning: 2
No more regrets. You have to stop with the woulda coulda shoulda's. They Do Not Help. You need to Man up, and grow. get back to work. There is a lot to do. In many ways your life has NOT changed. You need to
GET
YOUR LIFE
TOGETHER.
Its not about forgetting. Its not about ignoring. Its not about rationalizing away. It is the simple reality that LIFE GOES ON. and while you miss those you have to be away from durring this period, you are doing NO ONE any favors by giving up.
Man up.
Morning: 2
No more regrets. You have to stop with the woulda coulda shoulda's. They Do Not Help. You need to Man up, and grow. get back to work. There is a lot to do. In many ways your life has NOT changed. You need to
GET
YOUR LIFE
TOGETHER.
Its not about forgetting. Its not about ignoring. Its not about rationalizing away. It is the simple reality that LIFE GOES ON. and while you miss those you have to be away from durring this period, you are doing NO ONE any favors by giving up.
Man up.
Day Four:
Morning:
I still wake up to a crippling grief. four somewhat hours ago, and cry into a drifting in and out coma, but there are no more tears left to cry, just the motion, no results. It makes me feel like vomiting. After hours of sleepy weeping curled up, too hot, but too dead inside to care, rational thought begins to seep in again, and I can see ever slight livers of the good this situation provides... I try and put away old fears, (easier now then at first) well not put them away as I don't know where to put them, more like cover them in a blanket of somewhat blind trust.
in the end I keep coming to the conclusion, while deep in my mantra of "this didn't have to happen" or " I could have done this ONE thing to prevent this" it always comes to the fact that if it hadn't happen... would I have learned?...? or would it simply have gotten worse?
I have to believe this is the best way for me to learn and grow... If I don't, then the pain is just too much.I have to believe it has purpose. I have to believe it will make me better.
I have to.
Morning:
I still wake up to a crippling grief. four somewhat hours ago, and cry into a drifting in and out coma, but there are no more tears left to cry, just the motion, no results. It makes me feel like vomiting. After hours of sleepy weeping curled up, too hot, but too dead inside to care, rational thought begins to seep in again, and I can see ever slight livers of the good this situation provides... I try and put away old fears, (easier now then at first) well not put them away as I don't know where to put them, more like cover them in a blanket of somewhat blind trust.
in the end I keep coming to the conclusion, while deep in my mantra of "this didn't have to happen" or " I could have done this ONE thing to prevent this" it always comes to the fact that if it hadn't happen... would I have learned?...? or would it simply have gotten worse?
I have to believe this is the best way for me to learn and grow... If I don't, then the pain is just too much.I have to believe it has purpose. I have to believe it will make me better.
I have to.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day Three:
Night: 2
No... this is not a horrible thing, hard. Yes. Painful. Yes. but without it, would I have come to these conclusions? Would I have finally been able to accept your love for me? would I have been so ready to actually see just what I WANT love to be... furthermore, would I have been able to see JUST WHY I do in fact love you?
Its hard to say. What is NOT hard to comprehend is the fact that this HAS happened. and because of it, I am seeing along with the hurt, with the pain, with the grief, there is good.
A tremendous good.
Interesting how things get through to us...
Night: 2
No... this is not a horrible thing, hard. Yes. Painful. Yes. but without it, would I have come to these conclusions? Would I have finally been able to accept your love for me? would I have been so ready to actually see just what I WANT love to be... furthermore, would I have been able to see JUST WHY I do in fact love you?
Its hard to say. What is NOT hard to comprehend is the fact that this HAS happened. and because of it, I am seeing along with the hurt, with the pain, with the grief, there is good.
A tremendous good.
Interesting how things get through to us...
Day Three:
Afternoon: 2
So, I guess this is one of my lessons, to truly learn and understand. To FULLY appreciate the people in my life.
I really appreciate the friendships in my life. To... rather then seek more and more... and more... to simply appreciate and LOVE the connections in my life...
Why did it take THIS for me to get it... why did ALL THIS have to happen before I could appreciate such a simple concept...
I'm understanding it now in any case... I'm understanding it now.
Afternoon: 2
So, I guess this is one of my lessons, to truly learn and understand. To FULLY appreciate the people in my life.
I really appreciate the friendships in my life. To... rather then seek more and more... and more... to simply appreciate and LOVE the connections in my life...
Why did it take THIS for me to get it... why did ALL THIS have to happen before I could appreciate such a simple concept...
I'm understanding it now in any case... I'm understanding it now.
Day Three:
Afternoon:
heh... its funny all this time I worried SO much about losing your love, losing your affection... and Now, more and more and more and more and more I miss my friend... My friend to laugh with... play with... joke around with...learn with.. grow with...
I wonder...
Did it take this to make me realize what I really wanted I could have had and enjoyed entirely all along?
So many things feel so stupid now...
So much worry... so much unfocused distrust.. .
...wow...
Afternoon:
heh... its funny all this time I worried SO much about losing your love, losing your affection... and Now, more and more and more and more and more I miss my friend... My friend to laugh with... play with... joke around with...learn with.. grow with...
I wonder...
Did it take this to make me realize what I really wanted I could have had and enjoyed entirely all along?
So many things feel so stupid now...
So much worry... so much unfocused distrust.. .
...wow...
Day Three:
Noon:
After a long walk, I see something basic. Something simple. Its time to stop whining. Stop whining and start moving forward. Yes, I messed up. Big. I should have taken care of you. I should have protected you. I should have had your back, as your friend before anything else. so in turn I DEFINITELY should have protected you, from me. If Id been listening I would have seen that. If I'd been loving you the way you deserve to be loved I would have seen that. But I didn't.
I see that now.
Perhaps one day, if it is so in the plan, I will get the chance to love you the right way. To respect you as the beautiful awesome charismatic energetic brilliant magical woman you are. I will not force myself to stop loving you. In reality I feel that I love you more fully and completely then I ever have. But I realize that, that is out of my hands. in truth it always was wasn't it...? After all isn't that the beauty of love? It comes from ones choice to love, you chose to love me. While I chose to be impatient and by proxy disgusting with you.
One day, maybe I will have the chance to love you the right way. Who knows...
Regardless to all this is a nice feeling that what I miss during all these passing hours. Is my friend. My sparkling companion, tried and true, always there for me, never judging me for who I am, constant challenging me to grow, always shining.
In time perhaps I can have her back again.
My best friend
I miss you.
Noon:
After a long walk, I see something basic. Something simple. Its time to stop whining. Stop whining and start moving forward. Yes, I messed up. Big. I should have taken care of you. I should have protected you. I should have had your back, as your friend before anything else. so in turn I DEFINITELY should have protected you, from me. If Id been listening I would have seen that. If I'd been loving you the way you deserve to be loved I would have seen that. But I didn't.
I see that now.
Perhaps one day, if it is so in the plan, I will get the chance to love you the right way. To respect you as the beautiful awesome charismatic energetic brilliant magical woman you are. I will not force myself to stop loving you. In reality I feel that I love you more fully and completely then I ever have. But I realize that, that is out of my hands. in truth it always was wasn't it...? After all isn't that the beauty of love? It comes from ones choice to love, you chose to love me. While I chose to be impatient and by proxy disgusting with you.
One day, maybe I will have the chance to love you the right way. Who knows...
Regardless to all this is a nice feeling that what I miss during all these passing hours. Is my friend. My sparkling companion, tried and true, always there for me, never judging me for who I am, constant challenging me to grow, always shining.
In time perhaps I can have her back again.
My best friend
I miss you.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Day Two:
Night:
I wish I had appreciated things.
I wish I had taken care of you.
I wish I'd cherished you as you deserve to be cherished.
I wish I had simply listened to EVERYTHING I was being taught.
I wish I could tell you just one more time How very much I love you.
How much... how VERY much I miss you.
I wish wishes weren't so very completely irrelevant... .
Night:
I wish I had appreciated things.
I wish I had taken care of you.
I wish I'd cherished you as you deserve to be cherished.
I wish I had simply listened to EVERYTHING I was being taught.
I wish I could tell you just one more time How very much I love you.
How much... how VERY much I miss you.
I wish wishes weren't so very completely irrelevant... .
Day Two:
Afternoon: 3
I do fear very much... you being stolen away from me. Being swept up in this time of hurt in my absence... its an old concern, one we worked so hard to overcome... then I think of your smile, I remember your eyes, alive... aglow when you look at me, and I realize in these little moments of comfort the peace that comes with trusting in your love for me.
It shall be interesting indeed to see how things pan out for us.
I will continue to trust... trust in those eyes etched into my memory to ease my worldly fears, as I work effortlessly to give you away, to stop strangle-holding you to me... To give us a TRUE chance to be happy.
In the event your eyes for me do not last, this I still must do, for without such action I'll have lost so much more then you...
One day we will see, with the clarity of action then past just how much our love was meant to last.
Afternoon: 3
I do fear very much... you being stolen away from me. Being swept up in this time of hurt in my absence... its an old concern, one we worked so hard to overcome... then I think of your smile, I remember your eyes, alive... aglow when you look at me, and I realize in these little moments of comfort the peace that comes with trusting in your love for me.
It shall be interesting indeed to see how things pan out for us.
I will continue to trust... trust in those eyes etched into my memory to ease my worldly fears, as I work effortlessly to give you away, to stop strangle-holding you to me... To give us a TRUE chance to be happy.
In the event your eyes for me do not last, this I still must do, for without such action I'll have lost so much more then you...
One day we will see, with the clarity of action then past just how much our love was meant to last.
Day Two:
Afternoon: 2
I can do this. I'm getting it. When I really look back on things, we both really needed to grow, Ive always had a ton of trouble accepting that people care for me, in that Ive always had a TON of trouble accepting her love. This situation pulls me out of the equation. Her actions durring this time will dictate just how much she
A: is interested in a true relationship with God.
B: Will show definitively just how much she loves me.
As my actions in turn will do the same.
In some ways ( and this yes does sound even to me like rationalizing...) but in some ways this is kiiind of cool...
Most people never get such a revealing test of their love. In any case it is becoming more clearly then ever that I DO truely need to let her go, in order to love God fully as I should. In conclusion I need to let her go, If I ever want the chance to be a part of the family I love again. Give it to God.
Give it ALL to God.
Afternoon: 2
I can do this. I'm getting it. When I really look back on things, we both really needed to grow, Ive always had a ton of trouble accepting that people care for me, in that Ive always had a TON of trouble accepting her love. This situation pulls me out of the equation. Her actions durring this time will dictate just how much she
A: is interested in a true relationship with God.
B: Will show definitively just how much she loves me.
As my actions in turn will do the same.
In some ways ( and this yes does sound even to me like rationalizing...) but in some ways this is kiiind of cool...
Most people never get such a revealing test of their love. In any case it is becoming more clearly then ever that I DO truely need to let her go, in order to love God fully as I should. In conclusion I need to let her go, If I ever want the chance to be a part of the family I love again. Give it to God.
Give it ALL to God.
Day Two:
Afternoon:
And now the fear comes. the old fear. hello old fear. I see your inner workings twisting and pulling. I see the plans in action I can see the potential outcomes, it is in THAT you have your power. twisting my guts and whispering sweet lies. The old fear. One that tempts me to run out, and get to her at any cost, in any way, in some hope that if I somehow can I can make it so this fear does not come true. I see your plotting your preparation for the attack. You attack not with a weapon of violence or wielded in anger, but rather with the caring shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, the arm to fall under. You are crafty. You are smart. You are charming. Accepted. Revered.
I will not let myself fall prey to the fear you interject. I will not fight with you. If the love we share, is not strong enough to withstand any attack you can unleash... no matter how supported an attack it may be...
If you... my Love... In my absence, allow your heart to be taken up into the embrace of another, then I will have been shown all I need see.
You, old fear... will not win. You will not sway my choices, you will not make me make rash decisions.
This is what we need. WE NEED THIS TIME I will NOT allow you to sway me. you will not win.
I choose this hard road, for it is the road we must traverse. I will not break this decision based on your twisting and turning. you will not win fear.
This time. I win.
I win.
Afternoon:
And now the fear comes. the old fear. hello old fear. I see your inner workings twisting and pulling. I see the plans in action I can see the potential outcomes, it is in THAT you have your power. twisting my guts and whispering sweet lies. The old fear. One that tempts me to run out, and get to her at any cost, in any way, in some hope that if I somehow can I can make it so this fear does not come true. I see your plotting your preparation for the attack. You attack not with a weapon of violence or wielded in anger, but rather with the caring shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, the arm to fall under. You are crafty. You are smart. You are charming. Accepted. Revered.
I will not let myself fall prey to the fear you interject. I will not fight with you. If the love we share, is not strong enough to withstand any attack you can unleash... no matter how supported an attack it may be...
If you... my Love... In my absence, allow your heart to be taken up into the embrace of another, then I will have been shown all I need see.
You, old fear... will not win. You will not sway my choices, you will not make me make rash decisions.
This is what we need. WE NEED THIS TIME I will NOT allow you to sway me. you will not win.
I choose this hard road, for it is the road we must traverse. I will not break this decision based on your twisting and turning. you will not win fear.
This time. I win.
I win.
Day Two:
Morning: 6
I have to let her go. don't I?
I have to truly let her go, in order to let you in. The only way I will be free to grow into the man Of God you want me to be, is if I REALLY let her go...
Whats nice, Im seeing suddenly looking at it. WHAT I REALLY miss...
...is my friend...
I miss My friend. I miss playing with her, dancing with her, being goofy running around and creating with her. Its funny just how little I miss all the things that got us into this mess...
What is nice too, and has always been.
I KNOW how much she KNOWS I love her.
with that, I can do this.
Gods been trying to get me for so long, he'd have me for a bit then lose me, over and over again...
looks like he figured out how to get me for good.
I can do this.
Lets do this big guy.
Lets do it.
Morning: 6
I have to let her go. don't I?
I have to truly let her go, in order to let you in. The only way I will be free to grow into the man Of God you want me to be, is if I REALLY let her go...
Whats nice, Im seeing suddenly looking at it. WHAT I REALLY miss...
...is my friend...
I miss My friend. I miss playing with her, dancing with her, being goofy running around and creating with her. Its funny just how little I miss all the things that got us into this mess...
What is nice too, and has always been.
I KNOW how much she KNOWS I love her.
with that, I can do this.
Gods been trying to get me for so long, he'd have me for a bit then lose me, over and over again...
looks like he figured out how to get me for good.
I can do this.
Lets do this big guy.
Lets do it.
Day Two
Morning: 4
The tears are coming freely now. Now they wont stop. I think... I think now Im starting to get it...
This is real...
I miss you so much... so so so so so much.... I cant bear the thought of you somhow forgetting how much I love you...
A new mantra...
I'm so sorry...
I'm so so sorry...
If only Id listened... this never had to happen. I could have protected us from this... but I didn't...
im so sorry..
so sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
sorry
sorry
...please... im so sorry...
Morning: 4
The tears are coming freely now. Now they wont stop. I think... I think now Im starting to get it...
This is real...
I miss you so much... so so so so so much.... I cant bear the thought of you somhow forgetting how much I love you...
A new mantra...
I'm so sorry...
I'm so so sorry...
If only Id listened... this never had to happen. I could have protected us from this... but I didn't...
im so sorry..
so sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
sorry
sorry
...please... im so sorry...
Day Two:
Morning: 3
My body is exhausted, so tired, but with full nights of sleep... I guess I'm not really sleeping, or my body just isnt feeling up to all this. This cant really just be the second day... it feels like such an eternity. That blue binder sits by my window, in the light mocking me... How much difference one day can make, how quickly I went from being happy, loved... cared for, and now just this empty loneliness. I spent so much time worrying that the people who cared for me didn't really want me that I ignored all the stupid things I was doing... gave them a reason to happen, now, I realize I had no idea what not being wanted actually felt like. I want to do the right thing. I want to do what god wants me to do, live my life through him... do what I SHOULD have been doing all along.
Please forgive me pePp3r... I should have taken care of you...
...I should have taken care of us...
Morning: 3
My body is exhausted, so tired, but with full nights of sleep... I guess I'm not really sleeping, or my body just isnt feeling up to all this. This cant really just be the second day... it feels like such an eternity. That blue binder sits by my window, in the light mocking me... How much difference one day can make, how quickly I went from being happy, loved... cared for, and now just this empty loneliness. I spent so much time worrying that the people who cared for me didn't really want me that I ignored all the stupid things I was doing... gave them a reason to happen, now, I realize I had no idea what not being wanted actually felt like. I want to do the right thing. I want to do what god wants me to do, live my life through him... do what I SHOULD have been doing all along.
Please forgive me pePp3r... I should have taken care of you...
...I should have taken care of us...
Day Two:
Morning: 2
Showers have been a gift, soothing... and giving me some clarity. I know that I cannot truly grow until I give her to God fully, but I am puzzled as to how to do this when I wake up to the pounding grief of just how much I miss her. Also, the realization has hit me, that even if one day I can see her again, if Im ever allowed to come back. In order for that to happen I will have to not only have given her to God, But we will be different people. the realization that things will never be the same again. perhaps the "same" is not how things should be. Maybe that is the whole point... But still the thought wrenches at my heart... they are such fond memories.
Wonderful memories should never be so haunting. So I see that in order to ever see her again, I need to give my feelings for her... all of them to God... and allow him to shape me into the man HE wants me to be. and simply trust that whatever is best for both of us will happen. Regardless of what we think about it.
An easy enough theory... but its not stopping how much I miss the sounds she makes while falling over, the grin that draws on her face when shes accomplished something.. the way she bursts into giggles whenever excited, and just cant help but do a little dancing...
I have to stop regretting, If im ever going to move forward... But how do you stop regretting...
I was gonna go on but I think thats it...
How do you stop regretting
HOW do you stop regretting...
stop...
...stop...
Morning: 2
Showers have been a gift, soothing... and giving me some clarity. I know that I cannot truly grow until I give her to God fully, but I am puzzled as to how to do this when I wake up to the pounding grief of just how much I miss her. Also, the realization has hit me, that even if one day I can see her again, if Im ever allowed to come back. In order for that to happen I will have to not only have given her to God, But we will be different people. the realization that things will never be the same again. perhaps the "same" is not how things should be. Maybe that is the whole point... But still the thought wrenches at my heart... they are such fond memories.
Wonderful memories should never be so haunting. So I see that in order to ever see her again, I need to give my feelings for her... all of them to God... and allow him to shape me into the man HE wants me to be. and simply trust that whatever is best for both of us will happen. Regardless of what we think about it.
An easy enough theory... but its not stopping how much I miss the sounds she makes while falling over, the grin that draws on her face when shes accomplished something.. the way she bursts into giggles whenever excited, and just cant help but do a little dancing...
I have to stop regretting, If im ever going to move forward... But how do you stop regretting...
I was gonna go on but I think thats it...
How do you stop regretting
HOW do you stop regretting...
stop...
...stop...
Day Two:
Morning
Alarm is a nasty bad thing, blares through the air the shrill tones pull me out of the silence of sleep. introduce me to the new day are the quickly growing natural mantra of my own voice, pelting me with repetition
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
That was hours ago, I lay back down then, and thankfully was able to slip back into sleep, but the mantra did not stop, it just grew fainter while I swam in the darkness under my eyelids, then just to grow louder again when I opened my eyes what seemed to be a moment later. (in reality it was four hours)
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
Day Two...
Morning
Alarm is a nasty bad thing, blares through the air the shrill tones pull me out of the silence of sleep. introduce me to the new day are the quickly growing natural mantra of my own voice, pelting me with repetition
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
That was hours ago, I lay back down then, and thankfully was able to slip back into sleep, but the mantra did not stop, it just grew fainter while I swam in the darkness under my eyelids, then just to grow louder again when I opened my eyes what seemed to be a moment later. (in reality it was four hours)
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
I cant believe Ive lost her
Day Two...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Day One:
Night: 6
If the day ever comes.. that I can enjoy the sound of your laugh again.. ever get to look in your eyes again, heh... ever get to see you smile again...
This day has been so long.. so so long. I'm taking steps to fix myself. things are in motion..
I spent so much time worrying how people saw me, expecting that people didn't really want me, that they would never accept me... I didn't pay attention to what was important. now... now I don't know what will happen more then any other time in my life...
I think its time to try and sleep, wait to see what day two is going to feel like..
I love you Pepp3r.
I miss you.
Sweet dreams, my dearest. Tho I still, well more then ever...
"never really sleep anymore..."
Night: 6
If the day ever comes.. that I can enjoy the sound of your laugh again.. ever get to look in your eyes again, heh... ever get to see you smile again...
This day has been so long.. so so long. I'm taking steps to fix myself. things are in motion..
I spent so much time worrying how people saw me, expecting that people didn't really want me, that they would never accept me... I didn't pay attention to what was important. now... now I don't know what will happen more then any other time in my life...
I think its time to try and sleep, wait to see what day two is going to feel like..
I love you Pepp3r.
I miss you.
Sweet dreams, my dearest. Tho I still, well more then ever...
"never really sleep anymore..."
Day One:
Night: 5
Im sure there will be more negativity in here.. but right now... I find myself with a bit of a smile, a familiar song for us playing in my room. I can do this for us, if there is to be an "us" I have to do this. not to say I have to do this JUST so there can be an "us" but rather, I have to do this... because you deserve nothing less then a strong man of God... and I deserve nothing less then to BE a strong man of God.
I know we both need to grow. A LOT. That much is obvious now. It wont be easy, and the pain is not going to just go away, otherwise it wouldn't be growing..
Thank God for being loving enough to make us take the hard road when we really need to...
but this feeling of dread... that I will never see you again, it is fading a bit.. when in truth I as I was will never see you again, when I see you again I will be new.
I will be Better.
I Promise.
Night: 5
Im sure there will be more negativity in here.. but right now... I find myself with a bit of a smile, a familiar song for us playing in my room. I can do this for us, if there is to be an "us" I have to do this. not to say I have to do this JUST so there can be an "us" but rather, I have to do this... because you deserve nothing less then a strong man of God... and I deserve nothing less then to BE a strong man of God.
I know we both need to grow. A LOT. That much is obvious now. It wont be easy, and the pain is not going to just go away, otherwise it wouldn't be growing..
Thank God for being loving enough to make us take the hard road when we really need to...
but this feeling of dread... that I will never see you again, it is fading a bit.. when in truth I as I was will never see you again, when I see you again I will be new.
I will be Better.
I Promise.
Day One:
Night: 3
And that's the aggravating part. this is how it has to be. there is no "way out" no long sleep. Not if I ever want to see her again. Not if I ever want to be part of the family I had no IDEA how much I would miss...
I love you Tobi... I can endure this. Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Night: 3
And that's the aggravating part. this is how it has to be. there is no "way out" no long sleep. Not if I ever want to see her again. Not if I ever want to be part of the family I had no IDEA how much I would miss...
I love you Tobi... I can endure this. Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Give it to God.
Day One:
Night: 2
Any loneliness I have ever felt before now, is a paradise. any hopelessness Ive ever felt, is a warm calm bath. I have felt a full range, a consistent waving of emotions and now, there is nothing, there is a stagnant air living inside, a warm numb bitter tasting nothing in my chest. I'm beginning to give up hope on the call that cant come. The message that wont arrive, the waking realization that all is okay.
All Is not okay.
Every pair of footsteps I hear... sends hope down my spine that it be for me, it never is.
every idling engine outside forces me to exit my house in hope that it be someone for me.
It never is.
No one is coming for me.
There is no escaping this nothingness. this nothingness I have put on myself. there is no end to this pain, no laughter to be had in this body. No joy. No comfort.
I had so much... so very much. life is standing still as this heart wrenching sorrow eats away at my dreams, there are no dreams. Life, feels hollow... meaningless. to this mourning mind, to simply never open my eyes again seems... well it seems comforting. The quiet black of sleep rather then this constant barrage of what Ive broken. the endless reminder of all Ive lost.
Death, sounds nice to a life hemorrhaged and empty.
But I cant die, I have to wake up. continue on. Pain or no pain. Death would turn a possibility of future happiness into an utter and complete impossibility. Death would escape the pain... but I have to believe It wont always be like this.
regret
regret
regret
like ocean winds it circles me.
I'm sorry Pepper.
I should have been better to you.
I should have been better...
I will be better...
Night: 2
Any loneliness I have ever felt before now, is a paradise. any hopelessness Ive ever felt, is a warm calm bath. I have felt a full range, a consistent waving of emotions and now, there is nothing, there is a stagnant air living inside, a warm numb bitter tasting nothing in my chest. I'm beginning to give up hope on the call that cant come. The message that wont arrive, the waking realization that all is okay.
All Is not okay.
Every pair of footsteps I hear... sends hope down my spine that it be for me, it never is.
every idling engine outside forces me to exit my house in hope that it be someone for me.
It never is.
No one is coming for me.
There is no escaping this nothingness. this nothingness I have put on myself. there is no end to this pain, no laughter to be had in this body. No joy. No comfort.
I had so much... so very much. life is standing still as this heart wrenching sorrow eats away at my dreams, there are no dreams. Life, feels hollow... meaningless. to this mourning mind, to simply never open my eyes again seems... well it seems comforting. The quiet black of sleep rather then this constant barrage of what Ive broken. the endless reminder of all Ive lost.
Death, sounds nice to a life hemorrhaged and empty.
But I cant die, I have to wake up. continue on. Pain or no pain. Death would turn a possibility of future happiness into an utter and complete impossibility. Death would escape the pain... but I have to believe It wont always be like this.
regret
regret
regret
like ocean winds it circles me.
I'm sorry Pepper.
I should have been better to you.
I should have been better...
I will be better...
Day One:
Night.
Layed down while rendering. The tears came. With the reality of what has happened, they came.
Fell asleep in them.
Sleep.
The only brief release from the endless thundering recycling of regret in my mind.
tried to go back to sleep, heart woke up and kept me awake with deep slow thumping, filled with the emptiness again.
Cant sleep.
I wish I hadn't woken up.
I wish I could never wake up.
Night.
Layed down while rendering. The tears came. With the reality of what has happened, they came.
Fell asleep in them.
Sleep.
The only brief release from the endless thundering recycling of regret in my mind.
tried to go back to sleep, heart woke up and kept me awake with deep slow thumping, filled with the emptiness again.
Cant sleep.
I wish I hadn't woken up.
I wish I could never wake up.
Day One:
Afternoon: 4
The reality of things are setting in. The further the wishes to wake up get, the more REAL this all becomes.
Im trying to fight this horrible knowing feeling that Ive lost her. I was stupid, and selfish, and Ive lost her. To think otherwise just feels optimistically dumb.
Why would he ever let me come back... even If she never stopped loving me, why would he even ever let her know I tried...
I cant believe Ive lost her... I cant allow myself to accept that...
cant
cant
I thought I felt dead this morning...
Afternoon: 4
The reality of things are setting in. The further the wishes to wake up get, the more REAL this all becomes.
Im trying to fight this horrible knowing feeling that Ive lost her. I was stupid, and selfish, and Ive lost her. To think otherwise just feels optimistically dumb.
Why would he ever let me come back... even If she never stopped loving me, why would he even ever let her know I tried...
I cant believe Ive lost her... I cant allow myself to accept that...
cant
cant
I thought I felt dead this morning...
Day one:
Afternoon: 3
This first day isn't even over yet, and it feels like an eternity. It feels like forever, the seconds slosh by so very slowly, Ive eaten, and yet I feel still so very empty inside, all my revelations have done nothing to quell this dead feeling.
my eyes hurt.
worry is crawling up my back to wrap its tendrils around my neck and strangle me, what If I cant find a job, what if I cant stay here... I cant leave now... not like this...
God, help me, knowing so well what I need to do does nothing to ease the fear of how very hard I know it is all going to be...
I miss her so much... its just.. stupid.
regret, regret regret regret..
stupid boy.
you should have listened...
Afternoon: 3
This first day isn't even over yet, and it feels like an eternity. It feels like forever, the seconds slosh by so very slowly, Ive eaten, and yet I feel still so very empty inside, all my revelations have done nothing to quell this dead feeling.
my eyes hurt.
worry is crawling up my back to wrap its tendrils around my neck and strangle me, what If I cant find a job, what if I cant stay here... I cant leave now... not like this...
God, help me, knowing so well what I need to do does nothing to ease the fear of how very hard I know it is all going to be...
I miss her so much... its just.. stupid.
regret, regret regret regret..
stupid boy.
you should have listened...
Day One:
Afternoon: 2
Ferret just contacted me.. FERRET. it has been like 2 years since we spoke and NOW she contacts me, tells me that she was thinking of me randomly last night. LAST NIGHT
sometimes I have to wonder what just WHAT exactly is SO important about ME, why such a fight for me. what exactly is Gods plan for me that a remnant of my past comes around in a PERFECT time to TRY and mess with me... I want nothing to do with that, so, I blocked her. but I still wonder... why the need to try and bring me down, what exactly is going on. just what ELSE is going to come up and try and make me slip..its like, I see clearly for a MOMENT and the unbelievable happens to try and cover my eyes again.. perhaps it only happened to show me that its not JUST God tugging my strings, maybe a little warning. Maybe things are going to get way worse, in order for me to get better...
Afternoon: 2
Ferret just contacted me.. FERRET. it has been like 2 years since we spoke and NOW she contacts me, tells me that she was thinking of me randomly last night. LAST NIGHT
sometimes I have to wonder what just WHAT exactly is SO important about ME, why such a fight for me. what exactly is Gods plan for me that a remnant of my past comes around in a PERFECT time to TRY and mess with me... I want nothing to do with that, so, I blocked her. but I still wonder... why the need to try and bring me down, what exactly is going on. just what ELSE is going to come up and try and make me slip..its like, I see clearly for a MOMENT and the unbelievable happens to try and cover my eyes again.. perhaps it only happened to show me that its not JUST God tugging my strings, maybe a little warning. Maybe things are going to get way worse, in order for me to get better...
Day One:
Afternoon.
Yeah, this was inevitable. It HAD to happen. there was no other way. I'm reminded of a Keith Green song.
"make my life a prayer to you"
a favorite of mine, first and foremost ( and the part that caught me never to again let me go when I first heard it, part of the chorus: "I wanna thank you now, for being patient with me, its so hard to see. When my eyes are on me. I guess I just have to trust and believe what you say..."
and he is, God is SO patient with us. He was dreadfully patient with US. with every warning every chance we had to change, but we didn't. And now, he is still patient, giving me THIS chance to grow in him, to live the way I should. I may not have known it was Gods work, if it weren't for ALL the other chances we had, but with all that, it is VERY clear that it IS in fact Gods work.
This had to happen.
It was the ONLY way we were going to stop.
It was the only way I was ever going to grow up and give myself to God.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, to quite the contrary ive never hurt more in my life. But at least I know what I have to do. but then, I always did... only now... heh... now there is no choice.
EDIT
well I suppose there is always a choice... so lets say this. I choose God.
Afternoon.
Yeah, this was inevitable. It HAD to happen. there was no other way. I'm reminded of a Keith Green song.
"make my life a prayer to you"
a favorite of mine, first and foremost ( and the part that caught me never to again let me go when I first heard it, part of the chorus: "I wanna thank you now, for being patient with me, its so hard to see. When my eyes are on me. I guess I just have to trust and believe what you say..."
and he is, God is SO patient with us. He was dreadfully patient with US. with every warning every chance we had to change, but we didn't. And now, he is still patient, giving me THIS chance to grow in him, to live the way I should. I may not have known it was Gods work, if it weren't for ALL the other chances we had, but with all that, it is VERY clear that it IS in fact Gods work.
This had to happen.
It was the ONLY way we were going to stop.
It was the only way I was ever going to grow up and give myself to God.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, to quite the contrary ive never hurt more in my life. But at least I know what I have to do. but then, I always did... only now... heh... now there is no choice.
EDIT
well I suppose there is always a choice... so lets say this. I choose God.
Day One:
Noon: 3
I get it, I do. It makes PERFECT sense, I should have listened to God, it was always SO clear. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED focused on him.. and I would still have everything.
My friends.
My family.
My love.
If I just would have LISTENED I would have it all and more. But I didn't. So now I need to grow alone, I get it. This had to happen. It was the ONLY way I was going to learn. its the only way I was ever going to stop. Please deliver to me strong men of God that will help me grow. Please help me to REALLY know you. Please...
I'm listening now.
I'm Listening.
Noon: 3
I get it, I do. It makes PERFECT sense, I should have listened to God, it was always SO clear. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED focused on him.. and I would still have everything.
My friends.
My family.
My love.
If I just would have LISTENED I would have it all and more. But I didn't. So now I need to grow alone, I get it. This had to happen. It was the ONLY way I was going to learn. its the only way I was ever going to stop. Please deliver to me strong men of God that will help me grow. Please help me to REALLY know you. Please...
I'm listening now.
I'm Listening.
Day One:
Noon: 2
I see.
Like I said We deserve this. We mocked and lied to God, Ignored him, spat at him, all while thanking him for making us happy. Selfish.
I see now. I can do this. I love her.
I love her
I love her enough to see the caliber of man that she deserves. I see that before I could ever love her the way she DESERVES to be loved, I need to grow. WE need to grow. I CAN wait. I can wait as long as it takes, for me to be the man God wants me to be. and if it is his plan that we be together, then we will be better and stronger together then ever.
if not..
if she finds her true God given love, and it is not me... Then at least I know she understands fully the TRUE value in the love we have now.
the "BAR" has been set. She will never settle. Never settle for any less the the happiness, completion, comfort, joy, and fullness we feel together. So.
So
sososososo...
If she finds that love, that is not I, at least I know, she wont be settling.
and in that. She will be happy. At least I KNOW she will be happy.
she will be happy.
she will be happy..
She will be happy.
Noon: 2
I see.
Like I said We deserve this. We mocked and lied to God, Ignored him, spat at him, all while thanking him for making us happy. Selfish.
I see now. I can do this. I love her.
I love her
I love her enough to see the caliber of man that she deserves. I see that before I could ever love her the way she DESERVES to be loved, I need to grow. WE need to grow. I CAN wait. I can wait as long as it takes, for me to be the man God wants me to be. and if it is his plan that we be together, then we will be better and stronger together then ever.
if not..
if she finds her true God given love, and it is not me... Then at least I know she understands fully the TRUE value in the love we have now.
the "BAR" has been set. She will never settle. Never settle for any less the the happiness, completion, comfort, joy, and fullness we feel together. So.
So
sososososo...
If she finds that love, that is not I, at least I know, she wont be settling.
and in that. She will be happy. At least I KNOW she will be happy.
she will be happy.
she will be happy..
She will be happy.
Day One:
Noon.
My insides grumble, my body is hungry, and yet, I feel absolutely no craving for food. I have not eaten, I dont feel like eating. Not one bit. still numb, still waiting to wake up, need to stop. Cant wake up. Not asleep.
Still looking back on ALL the ways I COULD have fixed things. need to stop. Cant do any of them. coming to the inevitable conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I worry about her forgetting me, about her forgetting what forever means.. I look back on all the times with a bit of sick humor... that I said things like...
"Time has no meaning when it comes to you"
"I will wait forever if I have to"
"it doesn't matter to me, if it takes forever for us to be able to be together, I will wait forever."
My own words echo around in the dusty comatose entry way of my mind, advice id given others.
"when your in love... REALLY in love, time has no meaning...
...you can wait forever."
I wonder if they think I will just never come back, I wonder what is next for me, I wonder if I will be able to cope, if I will have the strength to continue.
I know a few things:
I cant ignore God anymore.
I cant leave this place.
I cant allow myself to be weak anymore.
and...
this feeling... its going to get worse.
Noon.
My insides grumble, my body is hungry, and yet, I feel absolutely no craving for food. I have not eaten, I dont feel like eating. Not one bit. still numb, still waiting to wake up, need to stop. Cant wake up. Not asleep.
Still looking back on ALL the ways I COULD have fixed things. need to stop. Cant do any of them. coming to the inevitable conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I worry about her forgetting me, about her forgetting what forever means.. I look back on all the times with a bit of sick humor... that I said things like...
"Time has no meaning when it comes to you"
"I will wait forever if I have to"
"it doesn't matter to me, if it takes forever for us to be able to be together, I will wait forever."
My own words echo around in the dusty comatose entry way of my mind, advice id given others.
"when your in love... REALLY in love, time has no meaning...
...you can wait forever."
I wonder if they think I will just never come back, I wonder what is next for me, I wonder if I will be able to cope, if I will have the strength to continue.
I know a few things:
I cant ignore God anymore.
I cant leave this place.
I cant allow myself to be weak anymore.
and...
this feeling... its going to get worse.
Day One:
Morning: 2
I keep hearing little sounds... something that sounds like the beginning of a ring tone Ive come to know so well... something like an idling diesel truck outside on the street, but it is never anything. last night, I thought I heard banging on the door, I RAN to it... there was no one there.. the brain does a good job of fueling ones regret.
Morning: 2
I keep hearing little sounds... something that sounds like the beginning of a ring tone Ive come to know so well... something like an idling diesel truck outside on the street, but it is never anything. last night, I thought I heard banging on the door, I RAN to it... there was no one there.. the brain does a good job of fueling ones regret.
Day one:
Morning.
I keep feeling, like this is a dream, that I will wake from... that I will wake up with a headache, staring at the ceiling for a long hazy moment knowing full well that I was not ready to wake. Id wonder "why am I waking up then..." then, id recognize it... the familiar tune of a cell phone, that I should not have anymore.. and its her, calling me, waking me up, just like usual... id scramble for it, find it under some mess and hear her voice...
it was a dream... id think, tears poring down my cheeks, it was a DREAM! and now I can make everything right!!
Its not a dream.
There is no call, no phone, no voice. just the empty hum of reality. I miss her. I love her. I took her for granted, and let my greed and selfishness blind me.
Time after time after TIME I saw the warnings, straight from God.
stop
stop
stop
and now, no more warnings. It makes sense, I get it, and I'm not gonna shake an angry fist at the heavens and demand to know WHYYY the bitterness isn't even creeping down the hall of my mind, to scratch at my brain.. there is no bitterness, which is odd, in a way. but very much so NOT in another. We deserve this. We asked for this when we ignored what we KNEW what we should have done.
Ignoring God, isn't a bright move, he has a way of getting our attention.
you have my attention now...
I know what I have to do, I know what he is telling me to do, but then its no different then what he was always telling me to do.. "focus on me" that was always it, so simple. "focus on me and the rest will come" but I was selfish. Childish. Stupid. and now, there is that unsettling emptiness, in my gut. I miss her.
I miss you pepper.
This feeling, there is no other way to describe it but simply that I feel DEAD. completely dead. everything is still, inside, there is no magic. no thirst, no hunger, no dance of my heart rather just a somber steady drum of a vital organ simply doing its job. nothing more. and as of yet... oddly...
the tears still haven't even REALLY come... its like the body is too dead to even really cry.
selfish.
stupid
childish
self centered
"To live life in such a way that leaves no reason for any form of deception" that's what I wanted...
heh...
you've got my attention.
You win.
Morning.
I keep feeling, like this is a dream, that I will wake from... that I will wake up with a headache, staring at the ceiling for a long hazy moment knowing full well that I was not ready to wake. Id wonder "why am I waking up then..." then, id recognize it... the familiar tune of a cell phone, that I should not have anymore.. and its her, calling me, waking me up, just like usual... id scramble for it, find it under some mess and hear her voice...
it was a dream... id think, tears poring down my cheeks, it was a DREAM! and now I can make everything right!!
Its not a dream.
There is no call, no phone, no voice. just the empty hum of reality. I miss her. I love her. I took her for granted, and let my greed and selfishness blind me.
Time after time after TIME I saw the warnings, straight from God.
stop
stop
stop
and now, no more warnings. It makes sense, I get it, and I'm not gonna shake an angry fist at the heavens and demand to know WHYYY the bitterness isn't even creeping down the hall of my mind, to scratch at my brain.. there is no bitterness, which is odd, in a way. but very much so NOT in another. We deserve this. We asked for this when we ignored what we KNEW what we should have done.
Ignoring God, isn't a bright move, he has a way of getting our attention.
you have my attention now...
I know what I have to do, I know what he is telling me to do, but then its no different then what he was always telling me to do.. "focus on me" that was always it, so simple. "focus on me and the rest will come" but I was selfish. Childish. Stupid. and now, there is that unsettling emptiness, in my gut. I miss her.
I miss you pepper.
This feeling, there is no other way to describe it but simply that I feel DEAD. completely dead. everything is still, inside, there is no magic. no thirst, no hunger, no dance of my heart rather just a somber steady drum of a vital organ simply doing its job. nothing more. and as of yet... oddly...
the tears still haven't even REALLY come... its like the body is too dead to even really cry.
selfish.
stupid
childish
self centered
"To live life in such a way that leaves no reason for any form of deception" that's what I wanted...
heh...
you've got my attention.
You win.
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